


Forever In My Heart

by jakerina534



Category: Green Day, Tokio Hotel
Genre: F/M, Green Day - Freeform, M/M, Slash, Tokio Hotel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 09:27:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14615262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jakerina534/pseuds/jakerina534
Summary: One day, Billie finds out from his best friend and bandmate Mike that his boyfriend died by suicide. Heartbroken, the guy has to go through the consequences of Bill's death and is haunted by dreams based on the memories that they shared together





	1. 1

It's an ordinary fall morning. I wake up with the sun, which is taking the position of an outsider in high school: you know it exists, but you're not getting the warmth from its presence. Nothing promises to bring trouble on such a peaceful morning. I head outside to go to school. Suddenly, I run into my bandmate, Mike.

I barely recognized the usually serious for his age guy in that scared person with the attitude of a lost boy.

I notice that Dirnt is extremely pale and that sorrow captured his thoughts. I pat him on the shoulder, asking him to tell me what is going on. My best friend says nothing. I ask him again. Still silence and still the same frozen expression of grief and anxiety, accompanied by trembling/

\- "Bill Kaulitz died." - he said briefly, and I could tell that he could barely force himself to say those three words.

\- "Why? What happened?" - I ask Mike, hoping that it's just a joke.

\- "Suicide." - he replied, with his voice dying down to incomprehensive mumbling. - "I'm sorry."

He leaves, not wanting to burden me with his presence. I can understand Mike, though. It sucks to be the bearer of bad news. The news I don't believe in. The peachy walls and brown doors of the school greet me with ominous silence.

But a familiar sound of sobbing interrupts it. This is what proves me that things are for real. Bill's twin brother, Tom, is sitting on a bench, hiding his face behind light brown dreads and his hands. The teen repeatedly asks "Warum?(German "why"), holding back his tears.

I come to him and debate on whether I should ask Tom about his brother or not. Curiousity takes over, even though it's inappropriate to ask any questions in a situation like this. Especially a relative of the deceased. I apologize in front of him, knowing that I'm making things worse.

\- "He.. I f.." - he stutters, once again, trying not to cry.

\- "Breathe, OK?" - I awkwardly say, stroking his shoulder.

\- "He did this at night. I woke up approximately tens of minutes after it happened.... And he was there.. Dead.. Billie, I'm so sorry for you. I know that you two were close. He left you this." - Tom says, showing me Bill's social network page and the last post that said "Thank you, Billie Joe. We'll be there soon, running through the monsoon."

I hug him and then get into the cafeteria. The mute atmosphere is occasionally paused by the sounds of ovens, frying pans and other stuff in the kitchen. I sit and have no idea what to think of this. But just the idea of Tom, the casual prankster, sitting there, sobbing, tells me that it's true.

I hear Bill's soft and husky voice call me from afar, so I run out of the cafeteria. But I don't see him. I'm alone in the hallway. The students are probably gone. I walk around it and see his locker. Flowers, pictures and candles were placed in front of it. I open it and I see notes that prove the hypocrisy of it all: filled with hateful words and speeches. Some of them take my breath away, once again showing that immorality has no limits. Which is what took that unusual, fashion-obsessed guy away from me.

Some guys and girls, obviously, the ones that were giving Bill a hard time, stand in front of me, dying to say something nasty, for I was the only out and proud queer guy in the school and was close with Kaulitz. But his grade is dishonestly mourning him and any kind of hateful behavior would get them in trouble, so they choose to keep it to themselves and leave.

Anger absorbs my mind and I feel the crippling urge to start a rant and drop a few truth bombs. But me saying that it was their fault Bill took his life would be invalidated. I have no proof. Even though I was the eyewitness and I'd always defend him, they wouldn't believe me.

The bell frees me from the need to be around people. so I feel relieved. Tom's sobbing and my bandmates' condolences caught my ear and eye. Before I could do anything about it, the older Kaulitz sibling runs away, disappearing without a trace.

Due to our trio connection, Mike and Tré understand that it's best to not be around me, so we part ways. I go home and get into my room, hoping my sleep would temporarily free me from this hell.


	2. Dream 1

"Hallo, Billie" - I hear the husky voice say, this time hoping I wouldn't hear it. His gorgeous mane of ebony black hair was like a halo around his kind, somewhat femenine face, his mysterious dark eyes emphasized with the adorable raccoon eyes.

I ask why, but then my first love breaks into laughter. Bill doesn't understand that he's just a vision of my subconscious, which will never leave me alone from that moment on.

"Don't look at me as if I'm dead." - he giggles, patting me on the shoulder. I look around, trying to figure out where I am. The scent of fresh roses and the grass, the melodious chirping birds.. We're in the school backyard, during our P.E. lesson, the place where we first met.

"I don't want to jog, I want to sing." - Bill confesses, as he hums an interesting tune. I ask him what it is(I know I'm having flashbacks in my dreams, so I choose to act like I haven't heard it before). The weird guy hands an earphone over to me and I hear the first notes of the song that he quoted in his last goodbye.

\- "I love this song so much." - he says. - "It gives me so much hope. It shows me that you can get through your obstacles and you'll find help."

This time, the words sounded ominous. As if everything was predicting his early passing.

"Well, I have to go. I'm Bill Kaulitz, by the way." - the guy says, shaking his hand and I notice his flawless black and white French manicure, leaving after the bell rang.

Then, someone yelling "fag" at him interrupts his silence. The teacher scolds the bully and then grades everyone, saying that we're lucky we're given a 2-week break(Bill and me). The scene aborts, bringing me back to the cruel reality.


	3. 2

"He's dead. He's dead." - I chant, forcing myself to come back to the harsh reality.

\- "For how long has he been like this?" - Tré and Mike synchronically ask.

\- "Three days." - my mother replies. - "Tom is making plans for the funeral."

And that is when I freeze in silence, curling up into a ball, absolutely speechless.

They call out my name. I want to respond, but I'm too weak to make a sound or move a muscle.

\- "I'm sorry, BJ." - they say, stroking my head.

The mentioning of the funeral becomes my final stab in the back. It's like the universe is trying to prove me that he's dead, but I'm still not getting it. I dial Bill and hear the auto reciever. I hear that soft voice say that he's "not here" and that I need to wait for him. But the wait will take decades and he's never coming back. For some reason, I ask the boys to take me to his home.

They freeze, staring at me and each other in disbelief. I can feel that their plan is to get me to forget about that guy with raven black hair and dark eyes till I recover. I see it as betrayal, but at the same time, I understand my friends' reasons. I say nothing, so I slap both of them in their faces. This move alerts the boys even more, so they lead me outside and stop, debating whether to take me there or not.

\- "I still think it's a bad idea." - Mike sighs, avoiding my outraged stare.   
\- "I know." - Tré whispers, hoping that I can't hear him. - "But what can we do? I don't think that we have a choice."

Dirnt is very reluctant, but he chooses to do as I asked him to. To him, it's like being the annoyed father at a toy store, the "kid" begs him for more toys, he doesn't want to do it, but the "kid" won't leave him alone otherwise. Alas, the situation is even darker.

Finally, we're on the spot. The tragedy that has happened in this house made it look gloomy, in spite of its bright yellow walls, pearly white stairs, and a mahogany roof. I ring the bell and see Tom, creepily silent and serious. The senior Kaulitz twin didn't expect to see me, but, up to some extent, it was predictable of me to do it.

\- "Come in." - Tom says, leading me to his room. I notice an open door next to the one to Tom's room. Alerted, he blocks my way. The older sibling pats me on the shoulder and says: "I know why you're here. But, please, don't come in."

Too late. I see fashion magazines and posters of famous rock singers. Femininity meets hardcore - it was Bill's fave signature part of his personality. I feel the musk and wooden smell of the younger Kaulitz's perfume, as if he's still here, but out for a few minutes.

\- "Stop it. Please." - his brother says harshly, as if I'm unable to understand it. - "He's not coming back. My brother loved you, it's true, but, please, leave his room and let the both of us move on."

And then memories flash before my eyes. I hear his voice, that feline-like accent. Right on that violet-and-black bed, we'd joke about our future. I laugh, but then my breath dies down and I start shaking. I start crying again. Tom looks at me and answers my mute questions: "Yes, I miss him, too. I'm not sure, but I need to focus on the funeral arrangements."

Once again, I hear the word "funeral" and numbness greets me again. Mike and Tré obviously saw it all and they take me in their arms and bring me back home. 

The boys are mad at me for that trick, especially Mike, who was doing his best to talk me out of it. 

\- "Go to sleep, Billie." - Mike briefly says.

How naive of them! As if that's gonna free me from seeing Bill.

\- "Wipe that smile off your face. You know what? I'll tell you frankly, it's not the bullies' fault he died. He did this. He brought this on himself. They call it "suicide" for a reason." - he rants, as anger forces him to hurt me in the worst way: with his opinion.

\- "I disagree with Mike. But in your case, it's true. You're holding on to something that will never happen. Now he's just a set of memories. You're digging your own grave. Stop it. We need you, man. As for Mike... Someone has to be the brain, now that you're not in shape." - Tré responds to Mike's rant.

I look outside my window. The clouds are hiding the glittery sky and the pearly moon. It's raining, as if this world misses Bill as much as I do. Insomnia doesn't become me: the pain in my eyes is emphasized by those sleepless nights, my face seems dead, my black hair looks messed up. "Dead man walking" is not an expression in my case. I go to bed, trying to prepare myself for another dark night. However... I'm NEVER ready for it.


	4. Dream 2

Same old story: everything is so vivid and realistic that I actually think that it's real life.  
The rocker boy comes over with that flawless shiny mane. The beautiful dark eyes are highlighted by the glittery dark makeup. That small and accurate nose, bushy eyebrows and those attractive lips.. I regret not paying attention to the small details. I feel like my sorrow will break out, but given the fact that this is another flashback from the past, I choose to play along and act like it's the present. Bill stretches out his hand and I shake it. I never thought that he was so interested in skincare. The guy starts telling me that he has a band and they're celebrating their third year together. Kaulitz hands over his earphones, offering me to listen to some new songs. "I'm sorry if my English doesn't sound good." - Bill says, feeling embarrassed by sounding different.  
\- "Dude, this is America. Technically, everyone has something foreign in them." - I say.  
I tell him about my band and break into one of my countless rants about wanting to leave school.  
Bill looks behind him and an avalanche of obscenities attacks him. One of the "pretty girls" shows up and splats his face in a cheesecake.  
Chills run down my body and I, knowing I can't harm her, tell her to get out of here. I notice some lowlifes behind that girl. I have the same reputation as Bill: the "f" dude. But as much as they hated me, they never mess with me. Otherwise, I'd make sure the whole block knew what they did. Or, the jocks would get responses from my fists. The "detention class residents" notice my aggression and my violent decisiveness, so they turn away and leave, offending Bill a couple of times.  
\- "Go back to your Gayropa, f*****!" - someone yells out.  
The guy only shrugs his shoulders, as if he didn't notice it. I look at Bill again and grief attacks me again. Why didn't I do better? Why didn't I get him to drop out or at least get homeschooled?   
I see this tall, and yet, fragile person and I'm dying to protect him. Sadly, it's too late. The bell rings and the guy makes a deal with me to meet in the backyard.


	5. 3

I receive calls from my bandmates, reluctantly reminding me of the funeral.   
I look outside and I think of the last time I saw the sun. But my memory betrays me, giving me flashbacks to the moments I'd rather forget. For some reason, I take my guitar with me.  
I see lots of people. Not only his relatives, but also the ones neither of us have ever seen. I know I'm supposed to be happy that even strangers showed up to support his family.  
Alas, it doesn't cheer me up. Instead, I feel like yelling: "Where were you when all of this was happening?"  
Now it's too late. Those mysterious dark eyes are closed forever. Perhaps, this was in his will, for there has to be a reason for which he looks like he did on the day we first met: the black and white jacket, black tee and tight jeans that compliment his fragile legs in addition to his dark boots. Death is such a liar. I get the feeling that Bill is still alive, only asleep. But a pale mark around his neck catches my eye and I am deprived of doubts for good.   
Tom avoids having to see his now deceased brother. I can tell that the flashback of when he found his younger brother is unstoppably on repeat. Grief is appropriate, but he chooses to hide it behind a mask of indifference.  
Georg and Gustav look at him and each other and nod, sighing.  
That silent moment says a lot: they miss him, too, but that won't bring him back.  
I hear the first notes of "Monsoon".. Every time Tom would pull the guitar strings, it's like he's pulling his heartstrings and mine as well. His bandmates, as it seems, have already accepted the fact of Bill's passing. But for Tom and me.. This loss is greater. I lost the person, who, by chance, could have later been my husband. We shared a special connection, but his death shows that I was either insanely clueless, or the connection had some glitches. Tom would frequently tell me about how Bill and him were soulmates. That used to annoy me and even make me jealous at times. Now I'm silently praying for another ode to the "twin connection", but those are just empty hopes.   
I come onstage to sing a song that I dedicated to my boyfriend. I gave public freedom and exposure to my pain that would keep leaving scars on my soul; the numbness that would deprive me of my energy; the vain hopes that it's just a nightmare.  
I notice some of his bullies and then I change the mood of the song. Those.. (I can't even call them so) "people" will go through life as if they didn't do the dumbest and most messed up thing ever: push a person to the point of committing suicide. Venomous rage and obscenities come out of my system, but I can't help it. I'd do my best to show them that they're not welcome here. The song ends and they vanish, like the cowards that they are.  
The guests are staring at me with mixed emotions: something in the middle between outrage, judgement and the feeling that I said it all for them. But as the burial starts, I know I can't be here anymore, so I leave.


	6. 4

The pain that has been destroying my soul for such a long time comma triggers me to shut it down with some of the most painful things for my body. But I'm willing to do anything to forget about him for some time, even if my rational side will leave me for some time. I come across a small shop what alcoholic beverages and smile at the thought that my shattered soul has made me look 13 years older than my senior year self, this meaning that I have quite the privilege to buy something even though my goal is to just get drunk, rather than have a good time.  
Just as I predicted, I succeed was buying booze. But what shocks me is that the cashier gave me an apologetic look, probably wondering what could go so wrong in my life so that I'd start drinking.  
Before I know it, I'm in my room. I look around and some notes catch my eye. I recognize the barely comprehensive and yet beautiful handwriting. I love through my inner emptiness what's a guy to do in this case? I think to myself. The sour, and slightly Sweet Taste of wine is about to give me liberation. What the hell are you doing? I hear two voices say oh great, Bill won't leave me alone even when my mind is weakened.  
Someone turns on the lights and I see caution in the familiar blue eyes. Mike snatches my bottle, sighs, and asks me how many I had.  
I admit that this is my first, but that doesn't make my bad make feel better about everything. I feel my deceased boyfriend's tender hand and I get the feeling that he's sitting there with Mike.  
"Either I tell your parents and get you to the hospital, or I call Tre." - he threatens me with his rough voice.  
It didn't sound comprehensive, but I ask Dirnt to call Tre.  
A minute barely passes and my second bandmate is already there. Mike looks at me and, asking Tre to watch me, leaves, mumbling something in their attention. I'm causing too much trouble, but it's not my fault my grief triggers harmful tendencies in me.  
Cool asks me not to be mad at him. Tre is oddly calm and I wonder if they ever wanted to rip my head off for all the nuisance I've brought after Bill's passing. "Well, kinda." - he admitted. But while he's not here, let me tell you something about Mike. Great... now we're gossiping like TMZ. I know that my inner emptiness is driving them insane, but I didn't expect things to be that severe. Tre, due to our connection, reads that in my mind and laughs.   
Then, my bandmate briefly told me that Mike likes me. I think of the "brain" of our company... for some reason, that intensive care and strong intuition.. but that doesn't seem to be his thing: falling for one of the "idiots" of the band. Cool and I know from the start that we are bound to the "grow the hell up" clique. In spite of that, we're still close. Poor Mike. I'm in trouble and we both know it.  
"Don't tell him I told you, okay?" - Tre warns understanding that Mike may get mad and label him as a "fruit fly". "Don't count on him telling you. It doesn't look like you're letting go of that guy. We both know Mike doesn't like to have his mind blurred out by emotions, so don't be surprised if he never comes out to you."  
So... Mike is gay? It's going to be the second time I'll join the gay guy + bi guy cliche, right? Tre laughs and confesses that he didn't expect me to be ignorant to my kind. Then I remember Mike used to have a girlfriend.  
So did I. I was in love with Adrienne. She was a beautiful young woman: gorgeous black hair, caring dark eyes and tan skin. We were basically the most long-term school kid couple grade 1 to Grade 9 . But then she had to move out and, thinking that it would have happened anyway, broke up with me, avoiding the stress of an ldr. Then, two years later, I met Bill.  
Mike comes back, and offers me to sleep over at his place. I laugh at him being unaware that he's outing himself.


	7. Dream 3

I walk around the school hallway and notice an alarming sight: Bill is sitting in the corner and sobbing. This is the first time I see him in a bad shape. Now I understand what his makeup was hiding: a tired and helpless kid. I barely recognize the usually glammed up guy in that skinny, untidy and desperate teenager.  
I come to him and ask what happened. Kaulitz Jr. breaks into a creepy laughter, as if nothing happened. I hold his hand and get alarmed by the rough places on his skin. The guy slaps me, yelling: "Don't touch me! Can't you see that I'm okay?!"  
Earlier I'd thought that one of his pet dogs scratched him, perhaps, Pumbi. I want to hug him and tell him that he can trust me. I start sobbing on the inside. Kaulitz was giving me plenty of scary and alarming clues, but I didn't notice them in time. I'd believe his joy, his smile. Sadly, I forgot about the silent commandment of every singer, actor and entertainer: "The Show Must Go On." It was unnatural to me, I was brutally honest, to the point of getting detention for my lyrics.  
I choose not to ask Bill about him completely neglecting himself: he'd lie to me and probably slap me again if I try to act like a cop would in front of a suspect.  
I I hug him and feel his tender skin roughened by (obviously) recent cuts. The bell rings and Kaulitz gets up and runs away. On the way out, a blade falls out of his backpack. I run to the boy and, even though I'm dying to take it away from him, I don't do anything. After all, it's just a dream. Our lips meet, and I feel Bill's inner screams for help in those kind dark eyes. Little did he know that by leaving me, he'd hurt me more than he had ever hurt himself.  
I wake up and remember that my actual reaction back then was just idleness. I believed my boyfriend's lies and paid the ultimate price. I wonder if my ignorance took its toll, if inactiveness pushed him closer to the edge. I I loved him, but looking back at my actions, it would seem that I didn't have a jota of care for that lost kid, even though I did.


	8. 5

I knock on their door and, once again, Tom shows up. He shakes my hand on willingly and looks around, probably thinking how to get me out of the house. But those minutes give Bill's brother no result, so he takes my hand and leads me into the dining room.  
It's a beautiful room with the odd and yet, harmonious band of white checkered walls, black furniture and the Big Shiny red refrigerator.  
Tom stares into an abyss, picking words to say so that he'd be honest and not offend me.  
" Bill would have a by chance killed me if I said it. But since he's not here.... don't come here anymore. I want to move on and I suggest you do the same. Believe me I love him. You know, he'd always talk about you. it was always: "Billie stood up for me.. Billie this.. Billie that.." Android even lock myself in my room so that I wouldn't hear that lovebird stuff. Little did I know, Bill ended up using Praises in your honor as a defense mechanism. We'd ask Billy what happened, because lately, his conduct was alarming: constant lock Ops, silence or just changes of the topic whenever we'd ask Bill how life was going for him. Even wanted to take my brother's rest and call him out on lying... when I see those lifeless dark eyes.... I tried to help, but he'd never let me." - Tom tells me, trying not to look at his family pictures, taken while bill was still around. - " then... my brother started acting... Well this time, something was up, undeniably. He'd tell our mom and step dad how much he loved them... his voice would die down every time he said anything. Bill told me that some kids told him to go kill himself. I expected him to tell me more. Instead, after opening up about this incident, my brother would keep chanting I'm sorry. I hugged him and this made Billy happy for a while period I should have held him close oh, do whatever it would have taken me to make his room safe. silly me, I expected a miracle. that our parents, our dogs, me or at least you would have been a sort of motivation to stay. then you know what happened next. Pumbi keeps howling every day, sitting in front of his door and waiting. And Bill's dog would end up coming in, sniffing all of his stuff and... Those brown eyes would look at me... Expecting me to tell him that bill is coming back. Unfortunately for both of us, he understands the three words I hate telling him: "Billy is dead." That pet gives me so much affection. His heart belongs to Bill... it's like a love triangle you expect that side to care for you as much as you do for him. we were different, but I loved that little freak. The twin connection was a thing, no matter what period picture this I was diagnosed with insomnia. Why? Because every time I close my eyes, I'd have visions of him, unresponsive for good, attack me every night. My memory resurrects the moment when I found him in my mind over and over again. I also hear Bill's voice in my dreams. He calls me but the ground pulls me away from him, whatever I try to do. Then he vanishes and I wake up."  
I look up Tom and once again I'm reminded about they're awe-striking similarity. I look into his eyes... They're as lost and lifeless as bills. For some reason I look at in front of me again but I see that lion mane, that feminine face. His tender and husky voice calls out my name repeatedly.  
"Yes, Bill?" - I respond, hoping to hear one of his longterm stories about his music and his band.  
\- "I'm Tom." - the voice says. - "You're hallucinating. You may stay for the night and sleep in my room. I'll sleep on the floor."


	9. 6

For some reason of the sun is shining. Trying not to wait till I'm up, I walk away as slowly as possible. But I'm betraying myself, looking at the senior Kaulitz twin. The same defenselessness in his tender face, the thin nose and big, angelic lips. Before I know it, I see the black main instead of his brothers dreads. Not wanting her to be tortured by that vision, I run away.  
I don't even know how it happened, but I'm in the cemetery. Various Angelic statues are spread all over the place. The grass and trees through the darkness of this place, but the silence, occasionally interrupted by the scary howling of the wind and overall deserted state reminds that I'm in the kingdom of death.  
I walk, not really knowing where to. For some reason, I stroll past past the graves period Then I stop and find what I was looking for Bill's grave. I look up, as the Sun behind the clouds, reminding me of my first day without him. I hear the Husky voice, see that tender face. It's like I'm watching a movie about us being together.  
Something makes me think otherwise and I come to the point of my understanding what everyone around me was trying to tell me. While we know that what he had done was wrong uh, we were doing the right things all this time. There was a part of Bill that knew that he was loved. But the guy is shattered mine caused by the seemingly endless harassment took over it. Don't be sad about one being dead, be happy that you shared a great moments with that person, as they say. Bill will forever be alive to me. At least I treated him right. I dig in the pockets of my leather jacket and find a Tiger Lily and I put it in front of the tombstone. "Sleep well, Billy, I love you too." - I say, as I leave the cemetery.  
I come across Mike, sitting on a bench not far from my house. I sat next to him and those blue eyes Jared me cautiously, asking me if I'm alright. He puts his arm on my shoulder and hugs me. - "Yes. I'm going to miss that kid." - I admit, taking my bandmate's hand. Dirnt turns to my side and starts telling me things that, as it turns out, were on his mind all this time: "You see, back when I found out that Bill died... I was reluctant to open up. When I was doing my best to keep you safe, I still didn't have the guts, but when I was at that cemetery again... Life is short. What if I die and never tell you about what I felt? what if you die, I know, I hate the thought of it, and I'll lose my chance forever? The reason why I was mad at you is because I pictured myself in your shoes: what would I have felt if you were gone?"  
I freeze, as if I didn't know Mike has feelings, too. Ignorant of me, but I didn't expect him to be so deep about all of this. The usually serious, resting "Puritan father" expression and conduct faded away just like on that day. Perhaps, Bill's death and my way of life, as well as my ways scared him, because that kind of people isn't really lucky in life, to be frank. We don't think, we do, we don't question, we speak up against all odds, which is a blessing, for we have more bravery than anyone else. But also a curse, due to some of our actions leading to consequences, sometimes irreversible period we're not weak, everyone has an Achilles's heel of their own. We're strong in our own way.  
Mike looks at me and briefly tells me he likes me. He relaxes, wondering why he used to make such a fuss over such thoughts in the first place.  
I told my friend that I wouldn't mind going out with him. As opposed to fear's beliefs, it's a good thing to do, for Bill would have wanted me to be happy.  
Mike agrees and we part ways, preparing for our date, set on the day after tomorrow.


	10. Dream 5

I see that cute face again, and we're sitting in a park. Not everybody knew about its existence, but it being deserted let us focus on the melodious chirping and the best flowers and the biggest trees in nature has to offer. Bill seems nervous, as if he is going to blurt out his biggest secret. For some reason, he wanted to keep something I would find out later a mystery for some time. And in some way, we, as a couple, we're both the typical queer guy cliche, but at the same time, we couldn't call ourselves hyper-masculine. Gender is just a concept to us.  
Bill examines me from head to toe and his stare stops at my legs.  
Once again, we talked about music, but a question pops up in Kaulitz's mind and he asks: "Ever dated anyone before?"  
I think of a better way to tell him about Adrienne, so that it wouldn't hurt his feelings. But my desire for honesty dominates and I tell him the truth. Of course, I hide the fact that I like him because I don't want to rush things between us.  
Bill opens up about him being of the odd one out. And Tom was the only help and guidance for him before I, Georg and Gustav came along. The guy going through those memories and emphasize how dark and misunderstanding the world was to him. The idea of me being his safe space warms my heart again.  
I get a quick flash forward to the moment when the boy opens up about his feelings for me.  
He runs into me while I am having my quiet time of the cafeteria. Doing his best to make me feel comfortable, Bell asks am I interrupting? I shake my head in agreement, then invite him to sit in front of me. I promise to be okay with whatever would come out of the conversation. So Kaulitz tells me he's in love with me. "Are you okay with us being openly together?" - I ask, reluctantly reminding him about the constant bullying and his school.. "You're with me. It's all that matters." - Billy says, holding my hand and tenderly embracing me. Now I realize what he meant by that back then. My protection and care was water would let him forget about the senseless hate directed at him just for a moment.  
We switched to talking about our future, both as a couple and individually. Bill smiles, forgetting about the issues that were torturing him daily.  
I get flashes of him telling me he loves me, that ended up being the guy's defense mechanism. Things were getting out of hand and he would look for that ray of light his life: me.  
Then, I'm in my room and Bill enters, with the same old awkwardness he used to have, whenever he had something deep and sincere to say.  
"Thank you for everything. I'm truly sorry for what I've done. I hope things will turn out the way you want them to. Remember one thing: I love you." I see the smile on that cute face and stars of joy in those dark eyes, as usual, pointed out by his dark makeup. Then, Kaulitz disappears and I wake up.  
***************************************************  
The last moments of my dream seems very weird, but this looks like something Bill would have said to me. The goals didn't end up being achieved, but at least one was: finding a soulmate, besides his brother. Kaulitz would have never wanted me to drown in the darkness like he did. Maybe something could have been done better, but my conscience is at ease, because I never did anything bad to the guy.


	11. 7

This is the first day I'm not alone anymore. I see my moments of grief from a different perspective: I was losing my ray of light and Bill wouldn't have wanted me to end up like him. There is not even a jota of my fault and his death. On the contrary, everyone would tell me how much Kaulitz appreciated my care. But there will always be lots of questions and hypothetical answers about the guy's death.  
I arrive at the park where Bill and I had our first date. But my goal isn't nostalgia. My goal is to have this place becoming a place of happiness, instead of the curse that would resurrect the vivid flashbacks I didn't want to get. Amazingly, it hasn't changed: it's still the beacon of peace and quiet, just like it was back in the days.  
Dirnt shows up just in time and we greet each other with a firm handshake. Once again, Mike goes back to making that expression he makes when he wants to open up, but doesn't want to seem to be too touchy-feely. I shake him up and promise him safety.  
"First of all, I'm sorry for what I said about Bill taking his life. That's still my opinion, alas. The reason why I was mad at you is that you were fading away just like that kid. I didn't want you to be the next loss." - Mike opens up, feeling relieved, for I am alive.  
I stop in didsbelief. How did he read me so perfectly? Even though Dirnt is the intellectual in our band... His analytic ways never cease to amaze me. But then I remind myself of the trio connection and everything makes sense.  
We talked about music and both cringe at the idea of performing at the place that sent the dark-haired angel to his death: our school. But the idea of of the school stay being unnecessary pops up in my head. Mike slows me in all ways imaginable he doesn't approve dropping out. However, the realization that I'd get on his nerves in the end makes him say: "I'll think about it."  
A message pops up and I see doodle versions of something that seems to be letters. It was Bill's note, and which he asks me to perform "Sacred" when I become famous and its lyrics below, as Tom explains to me in the message. "I will." - I confidently reply, flattered by Kaulitz's sincere faith in me. And I turn my phone off.  
"How come you fell for me? Don't get me wrong or anything... Just... As a couple we're a little weird." - I confess, knowing what reaction to expect from Dirnt.  
The guy nods in agreement, but then tells me that he'd keep me out of trouble (for whatever reason we fell in love with each other, it would be one hell of a ride).  
Frankly, after Adrian and I broke up, there was a period when I wondered whom I might fancy. The hype of dating consumed me as the dust with every other teenager. I had a thing for our brain but he was taken and his sexuality was as big of a mystery as Mona Lisa. We'd make out for fun, Dirnt never minded that (Tre wasn't interested in such things). But have never stating that he likes guys (which would have been found out into cases: a: if Tre could sense a twist in his Kinsey, which he can't; b: if he wants to tell at least one of us, for we have no secrets from each other) was a greater puzzle than the morals of our school. Then, Bill came along and Dirnt stopped popping up in my head as a possible significant other.  
Mike freezes thinking about something. Perhaps, he still has fears of me ending up like Bill.  
"Dude... I'm here and I'm fine. Now, shut up and kiss me." - I say, trying to get him to chill.  
He grabs me the same way I would. And I felt the warmth of my best friend turned boyfriend's lips. I knew it would happen, but a part of me didn't expect Dirnt to do it.  
"I love you." - he whispers, biting my lip.  
"Love you too, you nerdy dork." - I laugh, slightly jabbing at him.  
And that is how I open a new chapter in my life. We come across our bandmate. Tre smirks, as if he knew I had a thing for him from the start.  
"Congrats." he yells, fist-bumping us. "Who's the top and who's the bottom?"  
Mike looks at me, hoping I'd say that Tre wouldn't make fun of us. I admit, saying that he will, being the clown in our group. "Later" - he says. "Later." - we say in a choir. Tre leaves and Mike looks at me as if something bothers him.  
\- What is it?  
\- Dude, please, don't even consider following his footsteps. Whatever happens, you have Tre. And me.  
\- No worries. I won't. See ya.  
\- See you.


	12. Epilogue(4 years later)

After ending my concert in the place where I started off with the boys as an independent punk band, one of the security guards tells me that someone's waiting for me in the dressing room.  
I come across a tall man with black cornrows, wearing a simple t-shirt, pants and sneakers. Not knowing how to respond, I sit in front of the guy.  
"It's me, Tom." - the man says with a familiar voice.  
"Really? How have you been?"- I reply, not knowing whether I should believe him or not.  
\- we decided to break up. What's a band without a vocalist? We decided to take a pause and, by chance, meet again. I chose to cut everything that used to remind me of Bill. I live in LA. I work as a musician at for a synth pop band. No one could sing it better than Bill. No offense. But I love your cover of "Sacred". How have you been?  
\- "Thanks." I say, wiping away the first tear I've ever shed in those years. - "I dropped out. I couldn't stand being around those hypocrites. I'm with Mike now. We're a successful band, as you can see."  
Tom smiles, being one of the Nostradamuses, who saw it coming. It wasn't the first time, and, frankly, I'm tired of such jokes.  
Tom nods, reading me.  
\- I'm sorry for being rude to you back then. I just wanted to move on and you were pulling me back. No offense.  
\- Point taken. The main thing is: he'd want us to be happy.  
\- True. Still, I can't believe I'm an only child from this moment on. I have a small secret: I go through his account sometimes.  
\- Why?  
\- I don't know. Maybe because I want to get the feeling of him around.  
\- I'm sorry for your loss. It's better to say "our loss", though.  
\- Yes. I think my brother would have been very proud of you.  
\- Thanks. I'm heading to the park. Are you coming with me?  
\- Sure.  
The day time ended. The moon is shining and the stars are beaming brightly. I see Tre and Mike in front of myself and Tom. The duo is sitting by the campfire, roasting marshmallows. We start talking about our lives and remember Bill. Then I come over to Mike and hug him, and we look at the stars, thinking that Bill must be watching us, smiling with joy and pride. And we kiss and look at the stars, picturing our future together.


End file.
